So, since my preventative oophorectomy back in May, I’ve been in full-on menopause. This is a super-fun condition to be in during August in the South.
I’ve actually been in a menopausal state for more than a year now, since chemo sent me into a chemically-induced menopause last year. But with that, I didn’t really get the full symptoms that I’m experiencing now–hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, weight gain.
Physical symptoms aside, being menopausal at 38 is a peculiar thing. While the rest of my peer group is still far from this stage of life (some are even still having children), I’m swapping complaints and cooling strategies with women 15 years my senior.
It’s sort of like having breast cancer (or cancer in general) at a young age. It feels very lonely because most of your friends have no idea what it’s like or what you’re going through. And if they can relate, it’s likely because one of their parents has dealt with the disease.
Looking around the cancer center, I’m usually one of the youngest people in the waiting room. And a lot of the older patients look at me either with bewilderment or pity. I often see eyes quickly dart from my face to my wrist–seeing my patient bracelet confirming, yes, I have cancer, too.
I think this is one of the hardest things that no one talks about when it comes to being a young survivor–the sense of loneliness and feeling sort of out of place in your own life. As much as my friends and loved ones are here for me, they really don’t know how this all feels, physically or emotionally. I’m still me, but I’m very different now and my view of the world has changed dramatically.
I think that’s why so many of us manage to find each other online, and why groups like the Young Survival Coalition are so important. Sometimes it’s just nice to commiserate with someone who completely understands. I have found some of that in this last year, but I’m still looking for my “tribe,” as the kids say these days.
In the meantime, I’ll be over here sweating it out, anxiously awaiting fall.
3 thoughts on “On Pause”
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The menopausal symptoms sound familiar. Although, given that I’m a man, andropausal might describe my symptoms better. Like you, as a result of the big C, I’ve had to have my gonads removed. For various reasons I haven’t yet gone on to testosterone replacement therapy, so for the past 18 months or so I’ve experienced most of your symptoms plus total lack of libido – there are few 24 year olds who can claim that they have not had an erection in over a year. Still, I consider my experience to pale in comparison to what you and other beast cancer patients go through. Strength to you.
Oh, goodness, I am so sorry you’re going through this. And it seems especially cruel to have to do so at such a young age, too. I think it’s hard for anyone to have to go through such a dramatic change in their body, especially prematurely. Sending good thoughts your way!