When I was younger, bra shopping was a bit of a thrill. As a teenager not even close to letting a boy see anything beyond the occasional strap slip, fancy lingerie was pretty much for my own personal enjoyment, and shopping for it felt a little naughty.
As I got older, I’d make the twice-yearly pilgrimage to the mall, sidling elbow-to-elbow with other bra bargain hunters to dig through the discount bins of Victoria’s Secret’s semi-annual sale. My collection of brassieres grew to necessitate their own drawer, filled with everything from racy lace numbers to the most utilitarian of sports bras.
In my mid-30s I became a mom, and breastfeeding forever altered my lingerie drawer. Punchy pink satin bras languished in favor of more practical–and comfortable–cotton nursing bras that I’d buy in bunches while lugging my newborn around Target.
Then cancer happened. I lost my breasts (or lost them in their natural state). While I opted for reconstruction, what I’ve been left with isn’t exactly what I’d had before. Never let anyone fool you into thinking mastectomy and reconstruction equates a “free boob job” (seriously, stop saying that, people).
That’s how I found myself at the mastectomy bra shop. I actually went there before my surgery to pick up some post-mastectomy supplies (sports bras with a front closure, camisoles with pouches built in to hold surgical drain bulbs). And once I’d healed, I came back for bras to fit my new body.
Unlike Victoria’s Secret, this bra shop operates pretty much by appointment only. Also unlike VS, they take insurance. Yes, this is one fantastic perk of this otherwise pretty shitty turn of events–insurance will pay for my bras. Of course, my new insurance makes it a huge pain in the ass by only approving one bra per day, meaning I have to go to the store multiple times to pick up my allotment one at a time (I’m trying not to complain about getting a bunch of bras for a small co-pay, but it is kind of annoying).
Being at the store is a strange experience. Just like at the cancer center, I’m usually the youngest person in the room, other than the sales staff. I sometimes think the salespeople enjoy that because they get to bring out all the fun, brightly colored, more youthful styles.
In the old days, the thought of someone joining me in the dressing room as I tried on bras would have sent me running for the door. But in this post-cancer world, such indignities don’t even phase me. That’s good, because trying on bras at the mastectomy shop is never a solo experience.
A very kind, sensitive woman helps me figure out what bras will work for my body. She brings me armfuls of different styles and sizes to try, and offers gel inserts to help me fill them out (lots of talk about how I don’t have an “apex”). Yes, even though I’ve gotten implants and fat grafting to help fill me out, the shape is different, and kind of weird. Because all of my breast tissue was removed, there’s a flatness to my chest above the implant, and there are also slight indentations where the grafted fat didn’t take (yeah, that happens).
It’s a long process to find bras that fit my weird shape and look and feel good. And while the saleslady does an excellent job of trying to make it as fun as possible for me, there’s still something uncomfortable and a little depressing about the process. It’s just another one of those moments where I ask myself, “Is this really my life? Is this really my body?”
Body image is one of the biggest struggles for breast cancer survivors. Even if you have reconstruction, it’s never perfect or exactly like what you had before. And you’re left with scars and all sorts of other physical reminders of the trauma you’ve been through. One the one hand, these things remind me how strong I am and what I’m capable of enduring. But on the other, they’re constant reminders that I’m different, both inside and out.